Posts tagged with "me"
Something I love about being on adderall: listening to edm & dubstep (also being alert and lively)
Something I hate about being on adderall: my mind creates random problems & worries and I start stressing instead of enjoying the energy and high
It’s so fucked up that I hear songs and think of you, but in the back of mind all I’m thinking is if you were listening to the same song, you’d be thinking of her
It pains me that I don’t get to kiss you goodbye each time I leave you
I have a bad habit of staring at you
"I hope you choke"
I want to go back. I want to go back to September. I want to go back to right after my mom left. When the boys had their accident and before I quit my job. I want to go back to when you still were interested. When you still pursued me. When you still tried. Before everything changed. I want to go back to before I let everything going on get the best of me and let my world crumble down around me. I want to go back to when I wasn’t broke and when I wasn’t broken. I want to go back to before I let you in, completely. I want to go back to that day and stop myself, just like all the other times I have. So I could’ve waited and then you could have told me how you really felt about the situation, instead of waiting until after the fact. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling as bad as I do now about us. I want to go back to when I still had motivation, had the drive to succeed. The motivation to go to work and make money, the motivation to go to school, graduate, and become something. The motivation to get the fuck out of bed in the morning and be alive. I want to go back to when I actually didn’t let anything phase me, instead of pretending like it doesn’t when in all actuality, it’s eating me from the inside out and driving me absolutely insane. I want to go back to when I didn’t question my sanity; my identity. I want to go back and just stop myself completely. Stop myself from quitting my job. Stop myself from skipping school so much. From falling for you, trusting you, sleeping with you.. before I knew it all. Stop myself from hurting the people I care about. Stop myself from letting the drugs get the best of me again. Stop myself from myself. If everything happens for a reason, then the future better make up for all of this overwhelming events and feelings and thoughts and regrets that I’ve had. Because if they do not, I’ll just be worse. No matter how hard I try to change it and be better; it will always be there, on my mind. But either way, nothing will change the fact that I just want to go back
People say things like “if they don’t love or feel the same now, they never will” but they just don’t understand how well I know you. And that after everything, I believe you don’t know how to have those feelings anymore. But between time and me, I’ll make sure you will again
So you finally fell asleep; your heads on my stomach and I’m still rubbing head, running my fingers through your hair. I can’t help but notice how innocent you look; kinda like when I tickle you when you get me mad because it’s the only way to make you give in. And all I could think about it how badly I just wanna get it off my chest. I just wanna tell you… But I’ve already confessed too much, and I can’t risk losing you
I think I’ve been in love with you all this time, I was just too blind to realize it..
I met you when I was 14. I was in a long distance relationship with the only boy I had ever been with, and ended up being the only person I would be with for a year and a half after that. You were with my best friend too. So of course I couldn’t feel the same way about you that you felt about me. But I knew one thing; my life wouldn’t be the same without you. And so I made sure no matter how many times we stopped being “cool” with one another, we found a way back to each other.
And we definitely had our share of splits … there was at least two after we first met. We became so close so fast, and then when you told me you had feelings for me and I didn’t feel the same way, was why we split those times. And then right before summer started; before my sophomore year, I realized my feelings for you. But you just wanted to be casual .. I’d never done that before so when you didn’t want to make things serious, and all the fights we had about it, I was so hurt. We went a pretty long time without talking. We saw each other here and there, but it wasn’t really until the following summer that we hung out again. I knew you started to like me again .. but I payed no mind because of the past. I wish I wouldn’t have done that. And when junior year started, and I needed a friend because Jess was gone again; I hung out with you almost every night. You filled that void .. but once again, you wanted more than I did, or could give you at the time. I still remember how you took me out on my first date then, and smoked a cross joint with me and your friends for my birthday. But it wasn’t long before we got into an argument that led to you telling me how you really felt .. you said some of the most hurtful things to me; I’ll never be able to forget. But I think no matter what I’ll always forgive you .. I think it’s because you always forgave me.
Now here we are almost exactly year later. We started hanging out again in September; just like last year. The only difference between this time and the last two times: I’m crazy about you. I don’t really know how to label it. It’s stronger than like, and I’m too scared to admit if it’s love.. but boy, is it one hell of a feeling. A feeling I have never felt before. A feeling I wish I could shake. A feeling that scares the life out of me. It gives me an adrenaline rush, yet it makes me wanna run for the hills .. but the only place I find myself wanting to run is to you. You can blame it on the drugs, or the fact that we finally had sex after all these years, but I know deep down that is definitely not the case. The case is that I think I’m finally mature enough, and I think I had to experience everything before I could actually experience you.. I know we’re totally different people than who we were four years ago, in many different ways, but if I’m too late; for whatever reason; your ex, the drugs, your life in general, or for the simple fact that I lost my chance, I need to know. Because if you think just cutting me off completely, after how far we’ve come this time, you’re absolutely insane. Because I need you in my life. No matter how fucked up you are or might be, no natter the circumstances, or whatever you say. I need to know that even if we’re not cool, or okay, or friends, or whatever, that one day our paths will cross again. Like they always have since we’ve known each other. Because if you leave without a reason/explanation, there’s a possibility that that’ll happen.. and tbh I don’t know what I’ll do…
So even though you’ll probably never see this, and even though there is way more I could say, I won’t. But I had to get this of my chest I guess, because you being the way you are right now, and me having feelings for you has been driving me crazy and frankly, this was about the only thing I could think of doing…
what the actual fuck is always wrong with my themes????
this seems to happen everytime I change it no matter who’s/what theme it is
My feelings right now are caught between feeling like a really shitty person and feeling good about taking the negativity out of my life, ugh
So I wanted to take an instagram picture of my chicken nuggets from work and my packed bowl but I fucked up and smoked first then ate them whoops
I think when it’s all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back, but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said or anything he did, It was the feeling that came along with it. And the crazy thing is, I don’t know if I’m ever gonna feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him. It was losing me. I don’t think you really know who are, until you lose who you are.
Maybe you shouldn’t of gotten married & had kids, dad. Because I sure as hell didn’t ask to be here & deal with this life